I understand “why” I’m stuck - so why am I still struggling?

Therapy is becoming an increasingly accepted form of mental health care, especially in the western world. Because of this uptick in therapy users, more people have had the experience of uncovering where the source of their mental health challenges come from. It might tie back to a wounding family dynamic in childhood, a traumatizing accident, or the experience of being abandoned or betrayed previously in life. Despite this newfound knowledge, people can become frustrated when they have grown in self-awareness (“why?”) but find that they still struggle with the mental health challenges. What gives?

There are a number of potential explanations for why this might happen, even after someone has discovered the root of their troubles. One of the most common reasons is that a facts-based knowledge of “why am I like this?” only lives in part of the body - the thinking part. 

Imagine your partner just broke up with you unexpectedly. It caught you off guard - now you are left feeling shocked, angry, and hurt. Fortunately, you are lucky enough to have a good friend who you feel like you can turn to in moments like this for support. You call them up on the phone and tell them about what just happened. When you’re finished telling them this story that’s filled you with shock, anger, and hurt, your friend asks questions like, “Why did this happen? Do you think you reminded them too much of their ex? Do you think your depression had anything to do with this? Is it because you two kept fighting about sex?” How do you imagine you might feel? Part of you might be relieved that your friend was engaged and that they helped you understand your situation a bit better. But part of you might walk away from that conversation feeling like something was missing. You might even walk away feeling hurt by the less-than-helpful line of questions. That can be confusing - after all, you two were on the phone for a long time, they did ask a lot of questions, and you know they care about you.

The part of you that would feel a bit hurt or disappointed is coming from a valid place. Human minds and bodies are not meant to process information through a purely fact-based lens, although looking at the facts of a situation can be useful at times. An important part of how humans learn is what we call “experiential learning.” Experiential learning is less about facts, and more about how you felt about the facts. One person might receive a sudden break-up with joy, while another would be devastated. Facts aside, what was your emotional experience surrounding what happened? Your friend’s response is disappointing because it tends only to the facts - they “why?” - but not your feelings.

Therapy users can go through a similar process as described above. They answer their therapist’s questions and get to the root of the issue, but the emotional experience stays the same. When the emotional experience stays the same, all the facts and information in the world don't seem to help. In fact, some people feel worse because they “know better,” and yet they continue to struggle. If this is you, you might consider trying experiential therapy.

Experiential therapy is less about learning facts or discovering the “why” of your challenges. It is less about worksheets and tools. It is more about re-processing the feelings that surround an experience. Those feelings might be hidden beneath layers of circular thinking, distractions, and intellectualizing. When you relive a painful experience with a therapist who you feel safe with, you do more than just talk about it from a factual perspective. You might feel as though a part of you is reliving that painful memory. A good therapist will be with you through those painful parts of experiential therapy to provide you with the curiosity and empathy that was likely missing those times when you needed it the most. This process creates a change that is not just knowledge-based, but can actually help you achieve the deep, emotional shifts that you have been looking for.

It can be tough to face foreign and unpleasant emotions, but many clients report experiencing breakthroughs in experiential therapy that “why” therapy didn’t help them achieve. Experiential therapy has solid research support that suggests it can benefit people with a wide variety of challenges, including couples who are experiencing communication problems and individuals who feel stuck in life. If you’re feeling fairly aware of the “why” but are still struggling with the “what now?,” experiential therapy might be an important step in your journey of healing.

Jill Arndt, LMHC, in Seattle practices Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT is an experiential therapy that is considered the gold standard for relationship therapy - and has been shown to be effective in individual therapy, as well. Click here to learn more about EFT and click here to get started on your experiential therapy journey today.